


Confession to the Crescent Moon

by Hevheia



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: (for now anyway), Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Joe hasn't forgiven Nicky yet, Kind of angsty, M/M, Nicky is hit hard with that catholic guilt, Nicky prays and yearns, Nicky turns poetic when praying, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26120197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hevheia/pseuds/Hevheia
Summary: After killing each other many times and failing to keep the other dead, Yusuf and Nicolò begrudgingly decided to work together to figure out what was wrong with them. In search for answers, they chase the women they keep seeing in their dreams, but it is a long and troublesome journey. Even so, the two men come to know the human behind the enemy. For Nicolò, this comes along with the crumbling of everything he has ever held for truth. But the more time he spends with Yusuf, the more he discovers a new, life-altering truth. And one night, he slips away to make a confession.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 21
Kudos: 154





	Confession to the Crescent Moon

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by a post I saw on tumblr about the fact that it probably would have taken Yusuf a century to forgive Nicolò, as is only normal given the circumstances. So here is Nicolò, crushed beneath the guilt of what he now realises he has done, trying to reconcile it with something he had not anticipated.

Quietly, softly, gently, Nicolò slips away from the small campsite. The fire is still smouldering faintly, casting a warm glow on the figure lying at the other side of it. Nicolò pauses for a moment, watching the sleeping form. He swallows and leaves in silence. 

He follows the sleepy crescent of the moon, treading lightly underneath the countless stars. The sand and stones crunch softly beneath his feet. When he is surrounded by the vast emptiness of the landscape, he kneels down, folds his hands and closes his eyes. He says into the tranquil night:

“I speak to you, Holy Father, for I have sinned. I have done unspeakable things in Your name. No, I am making excuses. I would have done them all the same. 

One of these things is that I have robbed a man. I have robbed him of his people, of his family, of his home. I have robbed him of his smile, even though his mouth is made for nothing else. I have robbed him of his life, several times. But You have given it right back, as You have done with mine. I ask You once again why. I am eternally grateful that You have granted him a second life, and a third and a fourth and so many more. But why me? 

Why me?

You know him and You know me. You know he has a better heart than I have. Than I can ever dream of. For his beats with joy and a kindness which shines like the heavens and shines through in all of him, in everything he does and in everything he touches. I came to deliver Your paradise on Earth without knowing it already had the best caretaker. 

But I am a cloud. I am a wall, a shadow casting his light in darkness. It is because of me that he scowls and weeps. It is because of me that his gentle, loving heart is poisoned with hatred. He despises me, I can see it in his eyes, in the set of his shoulders and the pull of his mouth. He hates me to the bone. But if hating me will make the poison leak out of his heart, then, Lord, let him hate me until he has spilled it all unto me, until his heart is clean again.

And maybe some of it already is. For now we are travelling together, somehow, somehow, _somehow_ he smiles slightly when our eyes meet. Somehow his shoulders lose their tension from time to time. Somehow he does not seem to care anymore if we sit close to each other at the campfire. Once, I have even been graced with his laughter and, o Lord, it warmed my skin like the sun’s heat never could. 

Each day I wonder more and more how I ever could have hated this man. Each day I wonder more and more how he can bear the sight of me.

Lord, I do not seek Your forgiveness, for there is only one man’s forgiveness I want. And I know I will never be worthy of it. I suppose it is quite ironic that I do not care anymore about Yours. It was the reason I came to these lands after all, to repent for the wrongness of my desires, the wrongness of my heart, ever since I was a boy. But how, Lord, _how_ can You condone such meaningless violence, such unjustified slaughter, but not the endless love I feel for this man? I believe he is right when he says my people do not understand You. 

Yes, I have named it, what secretly grew inside my heart. I have known for a while now, feared it for longer, but I have admitted it to myself only recently. Are You angry, Lord? Are You giving up on me? Is it a sin in itself that I do not mind as much as I should if You do? But then again, what is one sin more? 

It may assure You that it will stay locked in my heart for eternity, for I am not so delusional as to think I can ever reveal it. To be only his friend would already be my most precious treasure, Your most divine miracle. But I know I cannot hope to ever deserve such a thing because I do not believe I ever will. Still, I will do everything I can to make amends, knowing I can never fulfill my debt. And I will go away when he asks me to once we have reached our destination and have our answers. I will go and I will not come back if he does not wish me to. Though I cannot pretend I will not mourn and miss him with every breath I take, with every fibre of my soul. But I will bear it proudly, for to have known him is worth all the pain that comes with missing him.

Lord, I have spoken nothing but the truth to You, Your dearest sound. The truth is I love him. And in my love for him, I will better myself so I can suck all the poison from his heart and return to him his smile. So he can release himself from this violence, for he is not a cruel man, not even in his hatred. Such is his kindness that it lingers even in the face of his worst enemies. The truth is he stills the breath in my lungs and fills my heart with things our kind has no names for. The truth is he is the light that saved me when I was lost. The truth is he is the purpose that I will never stop trying to be a better man for. The truth is he is the sun. He is the sun, he is the sun, he is all. 

Amen.”

Nicolò is shaking. He has to catch himself to not fall to the ground with the enormity of what he is feeling. Tears are already falling from his eyes, but he tries to hold the quiet sobs back. He bows down and touches his forehead to the sand, staining it with his tears.

When the shaking has ceased to a slight trembling and an overall exhausted weakness of his muscles, he stands up. His knees hurt and he knows they will be bruised by dawn. He cannot pretend he is not grateful for it, because it will be a welcome distraction from everything he has just confessed, from everything he has just made real.

With the moon watching him from behind, he makes his way back. The fire is out, nothing but black and white ashes left. The figure has barely moved at all while Nicolò was away, curls peeking out from underneath woolen blankets, the steady rise and fall of the chest. A soft smile appears on Nicolò’s lips. He sits down and patiently waits for the sun to return.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think, i'd love to hear it!
> 
> You can also find me on [tumblr](https://nickydestati.tumblr.com).


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